Return (Brennan)

What's the point of being alive,

If all I want is out?

What do you do when you've got nothing left?

I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself

Brennan couldn’t bear to stay in one place any longer.

It was always worst when she had to sit still, when there was nothing to occupy her mind and keep her thoughts from turning to that dark day last year when everything had fallen apart. First the attack at Madison’s house, and then the letter…

Shoving those thoughts violently away, Brennan tried to throw her whole mind into the drudgery of the task at hand in an attempt to numb the pain. But she knew too well that such an attempt was useless. She’d stayed at the shop, idle, for too long, and the memories were starting to resurface like cold water through a crack in the ice, slowly leeching into her mind. But instead of bringing a blessed, numbing cold, all they brought was a sharp, debilitating pain that stole her breath away. They were a reminder of what she could have had, if she’d been better, stronger. If only she and Lily had been able to take out Darian when they’d had the chance, everything would have been so different now.

Realizing that the memories had won out over her flimsy control once again, Brennan squeezed her eyes closed and braced herself against the door frame of her Explorer, letting her head fall against her arm. The only thing that would save her now was the hunt. Her mother, Madison, Ellia, and the others tried to be supportive and give her what relief they could, but there were a thousand little reminders of Lily that brought everything crashing back again. Only Allison seemed able to keep them away while she was home, and even then she only slowed them down. Eventually, it would be too much, and Brennan would once again throw herself single mindedly into the hunt, the constant life and death struggle leaving no room for them to eat away at her. Until nighttime, anyway.

Brennan was so tired, body and soul, and all she longed for was an end to the pain, a moment of rest. She hated hurting her family and friends this way, and so she forced herself to stay and spend time with them as often as she could manage. But while her body was still, her mind ran unhindered, and then the memories came. All she could do was work herself into exhaustion every day and pray that when she finally collapsed into bed, sleep would take her quickly. And even then, most of the time the dreams woke her, and the whole cycle would begin anew. Brennan had no firsthand experience as to what hell was like, but she imagined it must be something very close to this.

“You could stay, you know.”

Brennan started guiltily at her mother’s voice, straightening and shoving her forgotten gear into the hatchback.

“It’ll only be worse if I do.”

Lillian Brennan leaned quietly against the hood of her Explorer for a long moment, quietly watching her work. Brennan fidgeted under her calmly measuring gaze, trying to ignore her scrutiny as she lifted a heavy weapons case and slid it neatly between two other cartons of supplies. After a moment, the elder witch spoke again.

“She needs you here. You know how she panics when you leave.”

Brennan froze, squeezing her eyes closed in shame. Of all the people who’d had to put up with her in this state, her mother and Allison had borne the brunt of it. Brennan hated hurting them, over and over again, but it was the only way she had found to keep herself sane. It had taken every last shred of her willpower not to turn to easy escapes, such as drinking, but Sastre had taught her better than that. She had learned by his example, and she had refused to touch a drop of alcohol in his absence, fearing that she would lose control and it would consume her life as it had his. But she needed something to keep the pain at bay, and so she left, though she wanted nothing more than to stay. Yet another reminder of how weak she truly was.

Blinking her eyes open again, Brennan slowly turned to face her mother, unable to meet her level gaze.

“I can’t be what she needs right now. I’m sorry. If I stay, it’ll only get worse.”

Lillian watched her daughter silently for a moment longer, then heaved a sigh and crossed to her, wrapping her in the circle of her arms. Brennan nearly melted into her, almost moved to tears by the act, but even this was a reminder of the arms that should have been holding her and never would again. After a moment, she gently pulled away, and Lillian held her at arms length.

“Come back to us when you can, Abbie.”

Nodding, the witch turned mutely back to her task, her chest tight, as Lillian pushed the button to open the garage door and set off on some errand or another. She worked on diligently for another quarter of an hour, finally returning to the shop for her last load. Izzy and Allison were already in bed, and Ellia was nowhere to be found, probably locked away in the library with an instrument or a book. This left the shop blessedly silent and dark, and Brennan quickly grabbed her purse and her keys, grateful that she had already said her goodbyes. Leaving was almost as hard as staying, and she always dreaded the terrible sadness and resignation that crept into Allison’s eyes whenever she had to tell her she was going out again.

Trying to shove the mental image from her mind, Brennan had descended the stairs and was halfway back to the garage when the sensation hit her, nearly dropping her to her knees. The witch’s magic had been… uncooperative, at best, these last few months, but she could still sense and interact with the wards. And right now, they were telling her something impossible. The familiar presence, once so welcome, now struck her down like a kick in the guts. Staring toward the door to the garage in utter disbelief, Brennan slowly stood and stumbled clumsily to lean on the frame, searching for the impossible. It had to be a mistake. The wards must be malfunctioning. But no, the wards were a constant, reassuring hum in the back of her mind, and she had never once known them to fail or read falsely. More likely, this was yet another symptom of her crumbling control, striking at her in the most painful way yet.

But even as Brennan thought this, she caught sight of the figure standing just over the threshold, still as a statue, and gazing at her impassively. She was deeply tanned, and her blonde hair, ruffling slightly in the gentle breeze, hung just long enough to brush her shoulders. She looked very different from the woman she remembered, and Brennan could see little else of her, hidden as she was within her long trench coat, but there was no mistaking it. A spirit wouldn’t have been able to pass through the wards or the salt lacing the very mortar of the building. A demon would have had similar trouble, and the devils traps hidden across every entrance would have given them similar pause.

Brennan’s face drained of all color as she realized that nothing capable of impersonating another human being could have made it to where the figure now stood, still staring at her expressionlessly. Taking an unsteady step forward, Brennan managed to force out one, strangled word as her chest tightened and her emotions threatened to overwhelm her completely.

“Lil?”

© Melly Welly from Caution 2.0 x Lyrics by Senses Fail

1,275 Words x Outfit: Here x Music: Here x Notes: None

What's the point of being alive,

If all I want is out?

What do you do when you've got nothing left?

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you?
What am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces...

Brennan could only stare mutely at the apparition before her, still reeling from the shock of seeing Lily standing there in front of her, very much alive.

This couldn’t be happening. She’d made no deals with demons, though the temptation had nearly proved too much to bear, and no angels had answered her prayers. Yet there she stood, solid and unwavering before her, merely a handful of strides away. Brennan started to take a shaking step forward, longing to cross the short distance and wrap Lily in her arms, reassure herself that this wasn’t merely some dream or hallucination. But Lily continued to just stand there, impassive and unmoving, and her cold, emotionless glare slammed into her like a slap in the face. This… wasn’t right. Something was seriously wrong here. This unexpected, alien emotion directed at her was enough to lift the witch’s shock a little and clear her head long enough for the hunter’s words to reach her.

Following Lily’s brief glance, Brennan’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“Ellia and I aren’t… she’s just…”

Falling silent again as more of the hunter’s words registered, a stricken, hurt look flickered over her features.

“You… weren’t going to come back…?”

Unable to tear her eyes away from her onetime lover, a sudden, terrible understanding broke over her, cold horror dawning as she realized the implications of the hunter’s final words. Sastre. She was Sastre now. Despite all of her reassurances, all her promises about being in this together, about being able to handle anything together, she had inevitably cast her aside in favor of devoting her life to this. The realization hurt more than Brennan could ever have imagined, and her head reeled as she realized that everything had been a lie. The wedding, their plans for settling down together, her death. Brennan could do nothing but stare at her in complete and utter shock for the space of several heartbeats as all the pieces fell into place and her world fell apart.

How could she do this to her? How could she possibly hate her so much that she could just use her in her elaborate scheme? Had any of it been real? And Sastre… no. That would make him Florian, now. She had thanked him for refusing to pass on his name and the burden that accompanied it to his daughter, thus allowing them to escape this life for a better one. At the time, Brennan had taken his discomfort at face value, assuming he was unhappy she had figured out his secret and preferred that she not speak of it. Had it really been guilt on his part, knowing what was to come? Had they been planning this from the very beginning? And looking at the cold, hard woman standing before her, Brennan had no doubt that Lily Faraday was indeed dead, if the Lily she’d known had ever really existed at all.

Squeezing her eyes closed as everything crumbled around her, Brennan managed to speak as the shock numbed her and allowed her a few brief moments of control. The witch clung desperately to her composure, lifting her gaze to meet Sastre’s, though she couldn’t hide the raw pain and betrayal shining in her eyes.

“This… this whole time? This was all so you could be Sastre? None of it was real?” she accused in disbelief, forcing the words out as her chest tightened painfully.

Wiping away the tears that slowly started to fall, Brennan forced herself to continue holding the hunter’s dispassionate gaze.

“If you didn’t want me, you could’ve just said so. I would’ve understood.”

Unable to hold the hunter’s eyes any longer, Brennan wrapped her arms about herself and squeezed her eyes closed. Her tears started to fall in earnest as the shock started to wear off, and her next words were barely more than a whisper.

“You didn’t have to be so cruel about it.”

Not waiting for a response, Brennan bit back a sob and turned to stumble back through the door of the shop. She needed to leave, right now. She couldn’t stand there anymore, enduring that cold, unfeeling stare from the woman she had loved. A woman who obviously hadn’t returned her feelings. God, she’d never thought that anything could hurt worse than thinking Lily was dead, but it utterly paled in comparison to knowing that Lily was alive and just didn’t want her. Fighting to endure this fresh wave of torment, Brennan managed to somehow make it up the stairs, unseeing, not bothering to close the door behind her. The witch stumbled blindly into her room, unable to even reach her bed before collapsing, instead sliding to the floor and curling into a ball before losing it completely.

© Melly Welly from Caution 2.0 x Lyrics by Senses Fail

792 Words x Outfit: Here x Music: Here x Notes: None

What's the point of being alive,

If all I want is out?

What do you do when you've got nothing left?

Did you ever care about me?
I remember the time
You looked in my eyes
And promised...

We'd stay together, our love would grow stronger
The storms we had weathered wouldn't last any longer
But we'll never know how good it could be
This isn't how it should be...

Brennan had never imagined pain such as this.

It utterly dwarfed her feelings of the last year and more, washing them out with fresh wave upon wave of agony. She didn’t want her. She’d been lying to her all this time, after all her false promises. After she’d said she loved her. And now she was leaving again, after just waltzing in and destroying Brennan completely. Which begged the question, why was she here in the first place? Her cover had worked. Brennan had been completely convinced she was dead. There was no reason for her to do this, unless she wanted her to suffer. No, she had said someone had sent her. For one brief, terrible moment, Brennan wondered if Mara had somehow managed to arrange this. She and Lily had met back before all this happened, and the hunter would have no idea she was no longer to be trusted. But that was impossible. Brennan had sent the insidious demon back to hell where she belonged, and she wouldn’t be getting out again anytime soon.

But who, then?

The witch’s thoughts were interrupted when the door to her room clicked quietly shut. Brennan didn’t need to look to know who it was. Izzy, or Ellia, or even Allison would have come to her, tried to comfort her. Sastre did none of those things, merely remaining quietly by the door, watching. Brennan curled in even tighter on herself, hating that Sastre would see her like this, utterly broken. But she had little other choice. She was too distraught and exhausted to stand, and it would look even worse if she tried. Sastre’s words caught her off guard, stilling her chaotic thoughts for a moment, though her sobbing continued. She wasn’t trying to be cruel? What did she want from her, then?

Forcing the words out, though her chest felt as if it had been crushed, she managed to give voice to her question.

“Then why are you doing this?” she pleaded, squeezing her eyes closed. “What do you want from me?”

Brennan stilled as Sastre approached and kneeled slowly next to her rather than answer. For a moment, her heart leapt, and she thought the hunter would take her in her arms and explain everything. Give her some rational explanation, and everything would be okay again. But Sastre’s expression never changed, maintaining the detached mask she had worn since arriving, and once she was settled next to Brennan, she made no move to comfort her. Lily really was gone, then. Either that, or Brennan had done something so terrible that the hunter had forsaken her completely. Was she upset that Brennan hadn’t come looking for her? Angry that she’d gone off on some secret mission with Florian and left her there to face Darian alone? Brennan nearly lost it all over again, having wanted nothing more these past several months than to feel Lily’s arms around her once more, but she managed to hold it together enough to hear Sastre’s question.

“What… what letters?” she asked in confusion, gasping for breath as her chest remained painfully tight. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I only got one letter…”

Brennan squeezed her eyes closed again as a fresh wave of memories washed over her. At first, she had been in shock, refusing to believe the four words scrawled in Sastre’s unmistakable handwriting. This had to be another of his tricks, there must be some reason why it was important for her to think she was gone. He must be trying to get her out of Darian’s sight forever, staging her death so he could set her up somewhere far away, out of the vampire’s reach. So, Brennan had waited impatiently for another letter or a phone call to come, explaining everything. But after days of waiting, no relief came, and a cold hard fear settled slowly into Brennan’s heart. So she went back to the letter, putting it through every test, every code, every cipher she knew, looking for some hidden message. There was nothing. And after so many days of hope, Brennan finally broke and accepted the terrible truth that had been glaring at her from the beginning. Lily Faraday was dead.

Lies. All of it lies.

Perhaps she had sent a letter explaining herself. Perhaps she hadn’t. All that mattered now was that she obviously didn’t care about her anymore.

“How could you do this to me?” Brennan whispered before she knew she was speaking, her voice ragged. “I thought you were dead. How could you h… hate me so much?”

Brennan trailed off as the tears threatened to overwhelm her, but she managed to maintain her tenuous shred of control for a few moments more.

“I’m so tired of hurting,” she managed, her voice quiet and exhausted, barely more than a whisper.

“Please, whatever I did, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. If you don’t want me, just go. Please, I don’t want to hurt anymore.”

As her control slipped away and she was once again overwhelmed by the pain, Brennan could only pray that Sastre would see the truth of her words and leave her in peace.

© Melly Welly from Caution 2.0 x Lyrics by Senses Fail

861 Words x Outfit: Here x Music: Here x Notes: None

What's the point of being alive,

If all I want is out?

What do you do when you've got nothing left?

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating...

Against all logic, as Sastre finally reached out to rest her hand on Brennan’s shoulder, the witch flinched and drew away, squeezing her eyes closed.

As much as she had wanted this, had longed for it above all else, it wasn’t the same coming from this aloof mockery of her onetime lover and wife. There was no compassion, no tenderness in this woman. She seemed stripped of all emotion, her gaze merely hard and calculating, as if studying a problem that was giving her particular difficulty. This stark comparison to what Brennan had hoped for was infinitely worse than if she hadn’t reached for her at all. Sobbing harder, Brennan tried to pull away, praying that Sastre would just leave her alone, but the hunter kept her hand firmly in place, calling her name to get her attention. Her energy long since spent past making any serious struggle, Brennan fell back in defeat, turning her face to the floor.

Please, just let it be over soon.

Brennan listened in an exhausted daze as Sastre informed her that she’d told her everything in a second letter, utterly resigned and uncaring. It changed nothing. She’d still left her to become Sastre Quicksilver, as she’d wanted to all along. Knowing then, or knowing now would have made little difference to her. Actually, she would have preferred not knowing entirely. At least then she still would’ve believed she’d lost Lily to circumstances outside their control, against her will. God, this was worse. How could anything be worse? She hadn’t thought it possible to feel even more miserable than she had been already. She was almost too far gone to register her words, but suddenly, Sastre’s arm wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her close, her voice finally breaking through her despondency.

“You… you wrote me?” Brennan asked hesitantly, her breath still coming with difficulty. “You were coming back? This wasn’t… wasn’t just some plan you had all along? It wasn’t just a cover?”

Hardly daring to hope, Brennan turned her face up toward the hunter’s, her breath catching at the raw emotion visible on the hunter’s face. For a moment, looking up into Lily’s open, unguarded gaze, Brennan softened, her heart going out to the young woman. She was almost as upset as Brennan was, though she was doing a lot better job of controlling herself. This was all just a terrible mistake. They could mend things, pick up the pieces and start anew. Everything really was going to be okay. Letting out a relieved sob, Brennan buried her face against her companion, taking comfort in her long absent embrace.

But then reality came crashing back to her, and Brennan squeezed her eyes closed against the terrible truth. Lily was gone. She was Sastre now, and nothing else, by her own admission, and if her earlier comments were any indication, she no longer seemed willing to slow down enough for any sort of relationship. Sagging back and turning her face back to the floor, Brennan shook her head, her voice raw and quiet with exhaustion.

“What does it matter what I believe?” she asked, curling in on herself once more. “You already said you were just going to be leaving again. It doesn't matter what I think. What I want.”

Shaking her head, Brennan's next words were no more than a mournful whisper.

“Why didn’t you just come home?”

© Melly Welly from Caution 2.0 x Lyrics by Senses Fail

568 Words x Outfit: Here x Music: Here x Notes: None