Broken {YAYA}

[Jacob Derek Jordan]

The silence was blissful but Jake knew it couldn't last. He knew that as soon as Yaya recovered enough breath to speak, she'd start blasting him with questions and he'd have no choice but to try to figure out what to say. The sort of questions she would no doubt fire at him weren't exactly ones that would leave him with a warm fuzzy feeling.He didn't know if he could handle the answers with the shattered piece of his mind scattered to the wind at the moment.

Annnnndddddddd... No sooner than he thought that, her passion tossed head popped up and she gazed at him with open curiosity. Sure enough, her mouth dropped open and her words tumbled out in the form of which he'd been afraid of.

God, he hated it when he was right.

Resisting the urge to push her head back down on his chest and tell her to shut her yap, Jake gave her a grave look before shaking head and giving a half smile. There were some things that never changed and this woman was one of them. She was a force of nature with all her whirlwind motions but she could always be relied on for the simplest reactions.

"DeVoux.. only you would have the energy left enough to talk after what we just did. Hell... I'm damned surprised that the cabin is still standing after the storm it just weathered!" he said dryly, letting his head drop back on the pillow and closing his eyes as a stab of pain when through his head.

As his companions' body shifted and moved beside him, Jake let it comfort him even as he wondered if she would hit him where it hurt any second. Part of him still wondered if she'd only bedded him to comfort him ... LIke some sort of pity fuck. Just that thought had him swallowing hard and he had to resist the urge to push her away.

And then her next words reached him.

Opening his emerald green eyes to gaze down at her, the former soldier laid there with his heart on his sleeves and searched her expression. Did she mean it?? Or was she simply saying it so that he wouldn't feel like he'd practically raped her?? After all, even though he'd given her a choice, he'd been in a rotten mood and they'd never been more than friends, no matter how much he'd desired more.

Suddenly, needing some space, Jake rolled away from her and sat on the edge of the narrow bed. Lowering his face into his hands, he breathed in harshly and then let it out with a ragged sigh. His voice was hoarse when he finally spoke.

"Yaya... If you know whats best for you... You'll put on your clothing and get the hell out of here. I can't be the man you've always known right now.... I can't pretend that this means nothing to me... Right now, my sanity is hanging by a thread and I've loved you to damned long to pretend anymore......"

[imaya]

Damn…if looks could send a girl flying out of the room to land on her bare butt in the hallway, YaYa felt as if she would be air born at the moment. What, was she not supposed to bring up the reason for the last couple hours’ worth of bed sheet gymnastics? Was she supposed to tippy toe around the real issues because she didn’t want to burst the after-sex bubble?

Fuck that shit, man; she didn’t know how to let things lie. Especially when said ‘things’ involved Jake trying to blow out his own brains. She didn’t know if the sex- which was fantaaastic; she was now officially ruined for other men- or his little declarations of love were meant to nudge her away from finding him with that gun in his hand…but gah, this had to be settled! He had to know that, if he ended up going through with his emo-plan, she’d bring him back and smack him around.

So, with those thoughts girding her loins, she braced herself for another bout of ‘RAWR RAWR, SHUT UP YAYA, RAWR.’ As well as a healthy dose of a silent treatment, irritated glares, maybe a shove or two…basically anything but the seemingly good natured sarcasm that he replied with.

A small smile had her lips curving upward as she nuzzled her cheek against his chest. Okay, sarcasm was good; it meant that she could possibly worm a few questions in, before he got all tense and pulled away. Giving his pec a kiss, she let her fingers trace little figure eight’s across his chest.

”Oh please; your father built this cabin, so you’ve gotta know that nothing short of a nuclear explosion could knock it down.”

And she was about to go on, to go with her sudden plan for slipping a few threats and questions into the conversation…but then he did a 180 and fulfilled every expectation that she had. An unhappy sound escaped her as she watched him roll away, and with a little squinty eyed look at his back, she sat up and scooted toward him.

Without thinking about what might happen if he pushed her away, YaYa came up behind him and slid her arms around his neck, pressing her front to his back. Making sure that she didn’t put too much pressure on him, she craned her neck so she could look into his face.

”Okay, first off; if you’re thinking that this was some kind of pity thing, I’m gonna smack you right now. You of all people should know that I only have sex with people who make me all hot inside. Secondly…you’re always the man I’ve always known. You’re smart, gentle, patient with me…sexy as all get out. You know I don’t like really feeling things for people. I always liked you, bit I never let it go farther.”

With a little sigh, she let her chin rest on his shoulder. Would she use that card? Bah…she’d deal with the consequences later. ”Talk to me, Jake. If you really do love me…you’ll tell me why you were willing to leave me.”

[/blockquote]

[Jacob Derek Jordan]

Now what was a man suppose to say to words like that?


With his face still buried in his hands, Jake felt a chuckle break loose from his lungs and he raised his head as it escaped. Only Yaya could make him this crazy. One moment, he was ready to stick a gun barrel to his head and the next.. He wanted to throw her back on that bed and redo all the things they'd just done. Her very presence had the power to shatter the glass house he'd carefully erected around him and bring him to his knees. Now, it seemed as if maybe she had the power to save his soul too. That was a mighty lot of power for one tiny woman to hold but then.. It really didn't surprise him. He'd known that she was special ever since he'd become aware of women in ways besides someone to pick on.

He'd just never dreamed that they'd be doing anything about it.

Feeling her body rest against his, Jake turned his head slightly and meet her gaze with emerald green eyes filled with despair and resignation. How could he tell her about his major fuck up? That he'd let his whole squadron down but not recognizing the signs? Who cared if the captain would have admitted him into the local looney bin had he started spouting about demons... It had been his area of expertise and he'd failed them all. He should have known. He should have done SOMETHING.

However, it was obvious she wasn't going to let it go till she had the whole story so.. He supposed it was better to get it out and her disgust over with. Then maybe he could get back to the business of trying to deal.

So, with a self depriciating laugh, Jake moved his gaze to the far side of the cabin and the memories flooded back. As they did, his eyes took on a distant expression and the words began as a small trickle that turned into a ragged river.

"It was a year and a half ago... We were in the deserts of Iraq and our forces were taking heavy fire on every side. Only, it wasn't just our forces... It was civilians and soldiers alike.. So our troop was deployed to see what the hell was going on. It was suppose to be an easy in and out intell operation but the commander got word of some serious shit going down in a village so we manned up and headed out with the intent of putting an end to the threat."

For a moment, the former specs officer paused and ran a hand through his dusky curls.

"There were nine of us in that detail. We went in armed for bear but it was like it knew we were coming.... Normally, we can sneak in and do the job before anyone is the wiser.... Not this time... It knew we were there.. and it was ready.... We had a diversion in the form of two trucks... The second one in was blown to bits, trapping the first hummer. Me and my men were supposed to come in from the opposite edge of the village but we knew something was up so headed in to pull the boys out. The carnage... You couldn't believe what we saw.. there wasn't a soul in the village that was "alive". Oh, some of them walked around but they were... zombie like.... They attacked us and we had to dismember them even to get out. Three of my men fell that way....... And that was before we reached the envoy.... I should have read the signs but it didn't make sense till I saw the man in front of the hummer..... He was laughing manically and playing in the entrails of the Commander.... the sight still haunts me every time I close my eyes....."

Closing his eyes to the memories, it was a long moment before he continued.

"I should have known what we were dealing with.... The signs were all there.. Plagues... Natural disasters... Everything that warns of a demons presence... But I didn't even think about it... War is a nasty, deadly business and I was so numb to all the bloodshed and death... It didn't even occur to me that something else might be feeding the fires..... Not until that bastard turned his eyes on me and made me watch as he killed my men and blew the hell out of the remaining Hummer... I can still hear their screams even as i was thrown backwards with shrapnel piercing every piece of my body.... I wasnt meant to survive that encounter .. I still don't know how I did.... The medics that arrived said I was torn up so bad they didn't think I would make it back to base.. much less survive the carving my body took.....IT took me a year just to be able to walk upright again and a dozen surgeries to remove most of the metal in my side.... Doctors said I'd never be fit for combat again so... they dismissed me and here I am..... Six months later still haunted by the events of that day....."

[imaya]

Okay, she thought as she felt his shoulders shake a bit, a chuckle was definitely a good sign. Laughter always trumped suicidal tendencies, right? Clinging to the hope that he wasn’t about to push her away, YaYa waited patiently for him to start speaking. She was expecting some kind of ‘none of your business’ growl, once he realized that she was playing her trump card. He’d probably pull away from her, chuck her clothes at her and storm off in a huff.

At least, if that were the case, she couldn’t help but think with an inner snicker, she did hope he’d stomp off buck nekkid. ‘Cause DAMN, she was sick in the head for never noticing what a Grade A Derriere that the younger Jordan had! It was probably that ‘cant mess up the friendship’ defense mechanism that she had, but…frick, she hated it right then.

When Jake started to shift against her, her arms tensed a bit around him, as if waiting for a sign to pull him back. Call her surprised when he started talking, giving her the answers she needed. Surprised…and really freaking mushy. She’d called him on it; said that if he loved her, he would talk to her…and there he went, spilling secrets that were tearing up his soul. He loved her. Good God, he wasn’t lying; he really did love her.

Holy crap, she was freaking terrified! The best guy in all the known universe loved her; the world’s most notorious screw up! What was she going to do? She didn’t believe in relationships! She didn’t believe in love, outside of family and friends! She couldn’t hurt him like this, damn it!

…And yet, as those warm feelings fluttered around in her tummy, she wasn’t so sure about those inner protests anymore. She was scared, sure, but at the same time…curious.
And something more.

Finally releasing him, YaYa scooted over until she could sit next to him. Goosebumps slid along her skin as he spoke, describing the horrors he’d had to witness, and she winced, pulling the sheet around her. Poor Jake…her poor, poor Jake. Putting her hand on his arm, she fought against the urge to hug him. He was still too volatile; too hurting from the painful memories of the past to be able to take her usual abruptness.

”Baby, you couldn’t have known that it was a demon,” She said, sadness and compassion on her face. She let her free hand rest gently over his heart. ”Even if the signs were there, being in that kind of atmosphere…in war, it would be so easy just to think it was just that; war. Plagues and natural disasters are sometimes just natural, and you couldn’t have seen it. Jake, none of that was your fault. Their deaths were tragic, and the demon that attacked you should be hunted down and skinned alive…but it wasn’t your fault.”

Her heart clenched as her eyes flickered down to the scars on his body. Lightly, she ran her fingers across the rigid bumps. ”And if you’re thinking that you shouldn’t be alive, you’re wrong, Jake. You came back…and opened my eyes. None of what happened was your fault.”

[/blockquote]

[Jacob Derek Jordan]

Damn. If only it were that easy. If only he could just take Yaya's words and run with them. Unfortunately, as much as they helped... They didn't heal all the wounds that had festered there. His father had said it would take time but the more time that had passed... the more he felt as if he were going to go insane.

Oh, the military had made him see shrinks but what the hell where they suppose to do?? They didn't believe in the things that went bump in the night or live in the world that he'd grown up around. Honestly, he figured the only thing that would help him cope would be destroying the son of a bitch who'd did all the damage.

And that was like looking for a needle in a haystack now.

Running a hand through his hair, Jake forced himself to take a deep breath and realized that he did feel somewhat better. At least now, he didn't feel like he was going to climb out of his own skin and the desire to put a bullet through his brain had receded. All, he suspected, due to the woman currently in his arms.

Damn he loved this little firebrand. She was the only one who could quiet the storm in his soul long enough for the rest of the world to make sense.


"Yaya...." he started, trying to find the words but failing like usual. "I never told you before because I figured you were to full of life to be with a stick in the mud like me... Tessa and the others.. well, they always said I was the spoil sport of the group because I was always the cautious one.... "

Reaching up, he ran a hand through his hair even as he struggled to get out his feelings.

"I went away to the service because I couldn't stand the thought of seeing you with some other guy.... To be honest, I'm not nearly as easy going as people assume.. I just hide it better.... My dad says that i'm to much like him and I think.. I think hes right.. hes got an explosive temper if you push him to far and I've definitely inherited it.... Luckily.. I just got his tolerance level too...."

Turning to face her, he pulled her tight against his body and raised a hand to caress her cheek.

"I guess.. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this wasn't just a roll in the hay for me... Don't get me wrong.. I'm no saint and i've been with other women but.... Not like this..... and they were never you.... I can't go back to being just your friend......"

That said, he leaned in and kissed her again with all the passion in his soul.

[imaya]

It was with gentle fingers that YaYa traced the strong curve of his jaw. Slowly, like water running down an incline, she could see some of the tenseness slide out of his body. There was still shadows lurking around his eyes; she could sense the sadness and the guilt that still festered inside him. But when he turned to face her and didn’t jump up and leave, a little ball of hope blossomed up in her chest. Maybe…maybe if she got over herself and stuck around for a little while, she could chase those shadows away.

And beat him upside the head until he begged for mercy, if he EVER tried hurting himself again. Ooh, but the thought made her want to punch him in the face, or hug him until he popped.

Shaking her head when he spoke about their past and his father, the psychic leaned forward to place a kiss on his shoulder. ”It’s what I always liked about you, that quietness,” She confessed, scrunching up her nose playfully. ”I was always running around; couldn’t sit still, like Jericho could. My mind bounces around like a ping pong ball and I always feel like I’m going to explode if I’m not moving, or doing something. But when I was around you…I felt grounded. Like your ‘stick in the mud-ness’ could keep me anchored to earth so I don’t float away. Even when you were a kid; it’s why I loved it when you would hang around.”

When he turned toward her, she let herself be scooped up into his arms, Turning her face against his hand, she kissed and nuzzled his palm, while his words made her belly flutter and her heart seize. God…what was she supposed to say to all this? He couldn’t be her friend, because he loved her…gah, didn’t he know what he was saying? He was saying that he loved the crazy girl down the block!

Jake was the kind of guy who deserved one of those perfect ladies; the polite, soft spoken ones like himself, who would love him gently. He couldn’t want someone like her, who tore through life like it was her own, personal stretch of road! She was too loud, too obnoxious, too freaking scared to let herself think about why she’d always flitted from man to man, and never settled down. She was too damn afraid to let herself acknowledge the fact that, when Jake had gone off to war, her heart had hurt more than it should have, if she were saying goodbye to a friend.

She couldn’t meet his eyes as she shifted in his arms, heat crawling along her cheeks. The truth, YaYa, she told herself. She demanded it from him…it was only fair if he got the same from her. ”I can’t go back to being just friends either,” She said, voice strangely soft. ”But Jake…I’d wear you down in the end. You know it’s true. I’m too…I’m crazy and I don’t sit still. What if I’m not what you need?”

[/blockquote]

[Jacob Derek Jordan]

Jake couldn't help the husky laugh that escaped him at her end words. With his eyes glued to hers, the scarred soldier shook his head.

"Yaya... Look at me. I'm no ones idea of a treasure... I've got a body riddled with scars and a mind that isn't quiet sane. I've seen and done things in my life time that horrify even myself and I wake up at nights in cold sweats. And you worry about you wearing ME down?? God, I'm the one who almost put a bullet through his own brain."

Then, caresses her cheek gently, his voice grew serious again. There was a darkness in his eyes that told her his next words were indeed weighty.

"Theres something else, Yaya... Something you should know before you make any rash decisions... Something the family and I haven't told anyone...... You already know that I came back a cripple but... Its worse than what we've told anyone...... There are still pieces of schrapnel in my body that they couldn't get out...Over a period of time, they will gradually work themselves free but... The worst slivers.... I have two pieces lodged near my spine. They were in a spot to fragile to operate so they decided to leave them there ..... Eventually, they will either work themselves away from vital nerves or..... Well......"

Letting his voice trail off, he sighed and dropped his hands.

"With any luck, they will be able to remove them eventually but there is a chance that one could shift and severe part or all of the spinal cord...... So being with me... Its like being with the walking dead....."

As silence fell between them, Jake waited for the words to sink in. IT was something he'd shared with no one but his family but he was much to honest to go into this with anything more than complete honestly.

"If you don't want to be tied to a man with so many issues... I .. I will understand...."

[imaya]

It was with her heart doing a samba in her chest that YaYa leaned her cheek against his palm. God, but she wasn’t used to this; wasn’t used to sharing her thoughts with anyone. Sure, she liked to claim that she wore her heart on her sleeve- and in some cases, she really did- but…man, this was different. This was Jake.

She snorted at the ‘rash decisions’ part, and bit her tongue to keep from talking. He was probably going to go on about how he’s messed up from the war, and she would just smile sympathetically, nod, then smack him upside the head. But the darkness in his eyes…it promised a different kind of conversation.

Her hand came up to slide her fingers around his wrist, and she forced her eyes to remain on his face, rather than the scars he mentioned. Good God…she was horrified to think of the pain he must be going through. The slivers would come out on their own? Christ…meaning, the would actually push up and out of his body? How was he even sitting there, talking to her with a straight face, and not doubled over in pain?

In that moment, the psychic felt so much respect for the ex-soldier, that it was a wonder she didn’t explode. Now she understood why he wanted to take his own life. NOW she understood why he’d been keeping everyone at arm’s length, even his family.

He was afraid. She’d known it since the moment she’d run into him at the Bullet…but she’d never imagined the why behind it. Her poor, poor Jake.

Leaning into him, YaYa fixed him with a firm look. ”Jake, honey, I know you’re trying to help, but…just stop while you’re ahead. I could care less if you have one arm and three eyes; as long as you’re you, I’m a happy girl. Get it? You, my friend, have just made me realize that I have feelings for you. Feelings that I’ve yet to figure out, mind, because I’m kind of terrified of them…but they’re there. I don’t care about your issues…just about you. And if you’ll let me, I’d like to help you kick them in the ass.”

[/blockquote]

[Jacob Derek Jordan]

Damn, he loved this woman.

Hell, he guessed he always had.

It was nothing new to him but as she curled in his arms and spoke those honeyed words... He knew there would never be another for him. For so long, he'd forbidden himself to hope for anything more than friendship from this woman and in one single afternoon... She'd shot all his good intentions straight to hell and back.

He'd suspected it would be like that with her since she never did anything by half measures but... the reality of it made him fluctuate between wanting to shout to the world in happiness and shaking in terror at the hell he was sure he would put her through before it was all over.

Leaning back, Jake stared down into her beautiful eyes and tried to find words. Did she honestly kNOW what she was getting into? Did she truly comprehend what it would mean being with him? That at any second, he could be a crippled or ... worse.. dead? Could he allow her to live with every second of her life with that possibility? Did he have the strength to fight her on it?

NO. He didn't. He was just that much of a selfish son of a bitch.

"Damn it Yaya.. You have a way of making me wanna give you everything in my power. I...I should be shoving you out of here but.. I can't do it... I'm a bastard but.. I want you and I can't ."

Leaning down, he leaned his forehead to hers and sighed.

"I hope to hell you really understand what you are getting into with me, Sunshine, cause we've got a hell of a bumpy road ahead...."

Then, kissing her, he pulled her close and hugged her as if his very life depended on her. Hell, he knew it did. Along with his sanity.