The Road to Recovery (Madison)

[Florian Raniari]

Sastre's knife slid soundlessly from it's hiding place as Madison cried out.

Dropping into a defensive crouch, he held the blade before him, looking about the room for any sign of danger. It took barely a moment for him to understand what had really happened, that she'd only been awakened from her restless slumber by yet another nightmare. Feeling suddenly foolish, Sastre returned his knife to its place in his sling.

Standing back up, and ignoring the aches and pains that shot through him as he did so, he walked lightly back toward the couch, and Madison. Once again, he cursed himself for a fool. As a sufferer of nightmares himself, he should have known that simply "willing" or "praying" them away would do no good. Now, she was afraid, and no more rested than before, and all because he had convinced her to try and get some sleep, though she hadn't wanted to. But she needed rest, or she was going to fall apart...

"Madison," he said softly, kneeling down beside the couch. "I'm sorry. I... shouldn't have..." He shook his head, standing back up and heading toward the kitchen. "I'll make you that coffee now. It'll be just a moment."

[madison]

I can hear the devil call my name
Hopeless, I’m falling down
Filthy, I can’t wake up
I cannot hold on, I will not let go
Worthless, it’s over now
Guilty, there’s no way out

Madison rubbed sleep from her eyes as Sastre approached, giving him a withered look when he knelt down beside her. When he apologized she wasn’t sure what to make of it. What was he apologizing for? Sastre was always looking out for her, wanting what was best for her. Her head tilted in sleepy confusion as he shook his. When he offered her coffee and headed towards the kitchen she reached out and grabbed his hand.

“No, I…” Closing her eyes she took a deep breath, still gripping his hand like a lifeline. “I don’t want coffee. Just…sit with me please?” She looked up at him with pleading eyes. Madison realized how pathetic she must look. Drawn and pale from her nightmare, but right now she didn’t care. She was still shaking slightly from the memories, and Sastre was the only person who made her feel safe.

“Please,” She pleaded again, dipping her head when she felt hot tears slide down her cheek. There was no reason to cry. It had been a long time ago. This had just been a nightmare. A reminder of why she was doing what she was doing, Madison supposed. Either way she didn’t want him walking away. Not even just to the kitchen.

[Florian Raniari]

Sastre's stomach twisted at the sight of her head hung low, tears running silently down her cheeks.

It was true, what he'd told Brennan before: every time he saw Madison hurt, it was like he felt the pain himself, and that didn't mean just the physical pain from the beatings she took. To be completely honest, it disturbed Sastre greatly how much seeing her cry affected him. He wanted to do nothing more than to take her in his arms and hold her, promising her that everything would be alright, though he wondered (not for the first time) if that was really true.

It frustrated him to no end that she wouldn't let him help her! All of the resources, and skills, that he had at his disposal, all of the training he'd had, and all of the weapons and experience, and he could do nothing to make her suffering end. She'd made him promise, and he had never broken a promise before. He wouldn't start now.

Cautiously he sat down beside her, mentally repeating to himself that he needed to be very careful around her. It would do no good to act on his initial impulse, after all. He was certain that, should he accidentally reveal anything of the possible feelings he had for her, things would only go from bad to worse. And the last thing that he wanted to do was scare her away. He was perfectly content to remain by her side, for as long as possible, keeping his feelings secret. It didn't matter at all to him that she didn't feel the same; he felt good just being around her.

He gently placed his arm around her, smiling warmly.

"Madison, don't worry. I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay right here, until you get sick of me." He chuckled lightly, winking at her as he tried to raise her spirits. Rubbing her arm gently, he added, "I won't make you sleep again, if you don't want to. I should have known better. I'm sorry."

[madison]

I can hear the devil call my name
Hopeless, I’m falling down
Filthy, I can’t wake up
I cannot hold on, I will not let go
Worthless, it’s over now
Guilty, there’s no way out
The warmth from Sastre’s touch felt good against Madison’s skin as he put an arm around her. She nestled into the crook of his arm, leaning her head slightly on his chest, hearing the solid sound of his heart beating beneath his shirt. She sighed against him, her eyes closing slightly as a small smile found her lips. “I’ll never get tired of you being here.”

Madison lightly draped an arm over his stomach, turning a bit on her side to be comfortable against him. The remnants of the nightmare were still in her mind, but with Sastre holding her, they didn’t seem as bad. Nothing seemed as bad since he had been around. Madison found herself smiling more, and her heart seemed to race a little faster when he was near.

Sastre was probably the best man she had ever met. He was kind, and patient, he never raised his voice or his hand to her. He protected people from horrible things, risking his own life nearly every day just so others wouldn’t have too. There was never a time she wasn’t happy to see him come into a room.

If Madison was honest with herself she’d admit she had feelings for Sastre, but she kept pushing them back, scared of what that meant. If Steven found out, if he even knew Sastre was staying with her, he wouldn’t be happy. Madison couldn’t afford to mess things up. Not when she was so close to getting her brother out of jail.

Besides, even if she did admit it, there was no way that Sastre felt the same way. She’d just be making a fool of herself. Madison knew he only saw her as a friend, and she didn’t want to do anything stupid that might make him want to leave. She needed him, more than she would admit and she didn’t want to lose him because she acted like a love struck teenager.

Tilting her head, she looked up at him and smiled. “Don’t apologize. You’re right. I need sleep. I don’t need to be driving and fall asleep at the wheel, or worse, making a mistake on the table because of it.” She rested her head on his chest comfortably again as she listened to his heart beat, steady, strong, rhythmic. “Just stay with me while I sleep?” Her eyes were already beginning to droop again. She covered her mouth, a soft yawn escaping. “Please? I feel safe when you’re around.”

[Florian Raniari]

Sastre's initial reaction was to tense up as Madison nestled closer to him.

Closing his eyes, though, he used an old mental exercise that caused his emotions to dull a bit, and to steady his heart-rate and breathing. Repeating the old, familiar mantra within his mind, he eventually found himself relaxing, and he hoped that his arm around her didn't aggravate any bruises that she may (and probably did) have.

The thought of her bruises turned his mind to her monster of an ex-husband, and the regular beatings he dealt out to her. Normally, Sastre's rage would be boiling at the thought of it, but thanks to the calming exercise he'd just done, that anger seemed distant and controlled, though no less volatile. He knew that eventually the bastard would slip up, and come for Madison here, and that was when Sastre would finally give vent to his rage.

He hardly realized that, as he'd been lost in thought, his hand had been absently rubbing Madison's shoulder. Surprised at himself, he stopped, clearing his throat self-consciously.

"I wish you wouldn't feel so safe around me, Madison," he said softly. "You have to remember, that every moment I spend near you puts you in danger... I need you to stay sharp, and focused, to be ready for anything. People who get too comfortable around me..." His voiced trailed off and he shook his head.

Smiling down at her, he said, "You should try and get some sleep. I won't go anywhere, I promise."

[madison]

I can hear the devil call my name
Hopeless, I’m falling down
Filthy, I can’t wake up
I cannot hold on, I will not let go
Worthless, it’s over now
Guilty, there’s no way out


Madison sighed against him. She couldn’t help feeling safe around him. Sure Darian could come at anytime, but she didn’t care. It wasn’t like he was hiding this information from her. The risks were there, but for Sastre, it was a risk Madison would willingly take. Darian wouldn’t scare her away from Sastre. Steven had already made Madison isolated from all the friends she had once known. She would not let the same thing happen with Sastre because of Darian. Not if she had any say in it.

It wasn’t fair that Sastre couldn’t be happy because this monster was always trying to hurt him. Darian had made Sastre wary and afraid to get close to people. Madison realized that they both had similar problems, if in very different ways. They both had monsters in their lives that wanted to make them miserable and both were scared for the other because of it.

“It’s going to be all right,” She murmured tiredly into his chest. “I know you don’t believe me, but I believe in you. You’ll find away to stop him.” She yawned again missing the feeling of Sastre rubbing her shoulder.

His touch was soft, gentle, and warm through the fabric of her shirt. It was soothing, comforting, and everything Steven’s touch had never been. She loved that and so many other things about Sastre. He was patient with her, never forcing her to do things she didn’t want to. Sastre was a real man, one Madison had found herself easily falling for, but she couldn’t tell him. If Steven found out, he’d try to hurt Sastre.

Sastre had enough worries and dangerous people in his life. He didn’t think Steven was dangerous, but he was, and Madison didn’t want to add to his burden. More importantly, she didn’t want to be the reason Sastre was hurt again.

“Thank you,” She said snuggling closer to him, her eyes closed as sleep began to claim her again. Madison was grateful he’d stay with her till she woke. “For everything."

[Florian Raniari]

Sastre shook his head at her thanks.

"Shhhh," he murmured, kissing the top of her head absently. "Go to sleep, Madison. I'm right here now."

He closed his eyes, reclining his head to rest against the back of the couch, wondering yet again what he was doing. How could he try to tell himself that he cared for her, but be putting her in such danger. But it felt so good, to be happy again after so long... Didn't he deserve this, to be happy? God, after all the thing's he'd done, all the people he'd saved, was it so wrong that he just wanted this one thing for himself for a change?

Yes, of course it was wrong. And selfish. His life had never been about him, not really. He existed for the sake of others, and was supposed to be entirely selfless, and never ask for anything for himself. And he was endangering her, by staying with her. Everyday that he spent with her was another day that Darian would be plotting against him, against them. Madison would just become a pawn in the vampire's twisted game...

Oh, but he was so weak! He wasn't strong enough to just... disappear like he had before. Every morning when he woke up, he thought to himself, "Alright, today is the day. I'm leaving," and then, every evening, before he went to bed, he'd think, "Alright, tomorrow then..."

Yet, he was still here...

Looking down, he wondered if Madison was finally asleep. He hoped so. She needed rest, whether she wanted it or not, and if his presence really was enough to help her get that rest, then he'd stay.

He'd promised her, after all.

[madison]

I can hear the devil call my name
Hopeless, I’m falling down
Filthy, I can’t wake up
I cannot hold on, I will not let go
Worthless, it’s over now
Guilty, there’s no way out

Madison sighed softly when he kissed her head. Something just felt so right about laying against, Sastre his arms wrapped around her. She shivered lightly as her body began to relax and sleep claimed her once again. Sastre’s voice was soothing as he reassured Madison he wasn’t going anywhere. That alone was enough to let her try and sleep again.

This time, though the nightmares were still there, they weren’t as strong or as vivid. Her brow would furrow every so often, and soft whimpers would slip from her lips when the dreams would try to rush forward. Then, after a few moments it seemed as though something would push it back again and she would relax again.

It was the most decent sleep Madison had since she and Sastre spoke about their secrets. She honestly didn’t understand why talking about it seemed to make it so worse. Maybe she had buried it so far inside of her to keep going that she had never really dealt with any of it. With Justin in jail, Sadie in school, and her mother retired in Florida, well maybe Madison just didn’t have the strength to face it alone.

Madison wasn’t alone anymore. At least she wasn’t for a while. Sastre would leave eventually. He had said so himself. He was a hunter. Sastre wasn’t going to stop until Darian was dead or he was. That thought sent a shiver through Madison. In all honesty she didn’t want him to go. Even now his presence seemed to chase back the nightmares. She was happy with him, happier than she’d been in such a long time. Madison didn’t want to lose that, but more so, she didn’t want to lose Sastre.

[Florian Raniari]

With Madison asleep, Sastre allowed himself to fall into a state of deep meditation.

Though his eyes were closed, his other senses remained active, and he knew that he'd snap back to reality at the slightest hint of danger. In this way, he'd be able to relax, and get a small amount of rest, though not as much as he would if he'd actually let himself sleep.

In truth, he felt like something of a hypocrite, telling Madison that she needed to sleep and rest when he hadn't done so himself for the past three nights. The nightmares that he'd suffered most of his life were certainly a factor in that, but certainly not the only factor. He was also afraid that, with as mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted he was, he may fall into too deep a slumber, and that his hunter's reflexes wouldn't be strong enough to wake him up if something happened.

So, he meditated a lot more often than he used to. And it was doing him a lot of good, he thought. He felt more calm, and more energized than he had in a long time. He felt at peace with himself, and with his past, though doubts still did trouble him at times, and probably always would. He wasn't perfectly in balance, but he was doing much better than he had been even a couple short weeks ago.

Then, he had been contemplating ending his life, if Darian didn't do it for him. Now, though, he felt at least like he had something to fight for, and to live for if by some miracle he managed to take the vampire down. He wouldn't go down without a fight... That's what he'd sworn to Carey, and that's what he silently vowed now to Madison.

Breaking his meditation at the thought of her, Sastre looked down to where she slept against him, feeling a discomforting tug in his chest. She'd told him time and time again that she'd never tire of his presence, and that she felt safe when he was around. He knew that she didn't want him to go, and he really didn't want to go either.

Once Darian was out of the picture, though—if Darian were ever out of the picture--he wondered if she'd stay true to her words, and let him stay with her.

Yes... Even if it never came to pass, at least it gave him something to strive for in the here and now, and turned his thoughts away from the mistakes of yesterday.

[madison]

I can hear the devil call my name
Hopeless, I’m falling down
Filthy, I can’t wake up
I cannot hold on, I will not let go
Worthless, it’s over now
Guilty, there’s no way out

It seemed a few hours had passed when Madison’s eyes began to slowly open. It wasn’t the best sleep, but it had been sleep. Her head still rested against Sastre’s chest, his arm still wrapped around her, and she was completely comfortable in his embrace. Tilting her head back she looked up at him, giving him a tired, wake up smile.

“Hey you.”

For a moment, Madison lost herself staring up into his eyes.
She saw so much him in, things, she wondered if Sastre even saw in himself. There was so much kindness in him, so much love he knew he had to give. It frustrated her to no end that he thought it was his own fault for what Darian did. Sastre hadn’t chosen any of this, but he was doing his best. He was strong, brave, and did everything he could to keep people safe.

Sastre was the kind of man that Madison easily found herself falling in love with and it made her heart ache to know that he was going to be leaving soon. Absently she reached her hand out, finger brushing his cheek lightly. Her heart began to race just a little as she felt the rough stubble and warm skin beneath her touch.

It seemed as though Madison watched him that for a while and before she knew what was happening, she was leaning forward, ignoring the protest of her aching body, just keeping her gaze locked on his before her lips found his and she closed her eyes, hand still on his cheek. It felt as though someone had released a cage of butterflies in her stomach as she gently kissed him, and in her heart Madison could feel how right this was. She didn’t want him to go, but she knew he was leaving and it seemed her body had betrayed her by stealing a kiss before he walked out the door.

Breaking the kiss, she looked down, heat creeping up her neck and her into cheeks. Sastre probably thought she was so foolish. He had so much to do and out of everyone in the world, Madison doubted there was a possibility he felt for her the same way she did about him. Biting her lip Madison slid from his embrace and stood up, a hand going to ribs as they pulled. Embarrassment resounded through her and she couldn’t bring herself to meet his gaze after making such an ass out of herself.

“I uh..” She cleared her throat. What did one say after making an ass out of themselves? That was a very good question. “Hungry?” She finally asked, and then gave a soft groan, realizing that Sastre probably thought of her as more of a fool and that she had probably scared him away. Without waiting for an answer she wandered towards the kitchen figuring that cooking it was better than standing there looking like an idiot.